Holiday Eating. Surviving? Really?
Really son? Are we going to sit here and pretend like the stuffing that has the big Viking horn with fruit coming out of it on the box cover isn’t the same dried cubed toast you’ve been walking past all year? For some weird reason, the last two holidays of the year break people’s ankles in the willpower to not eat dumb shit department as if the turkey rocking the belt buckle hat themed food that’s been pushed to the front of aisles has been invisible for the last 10 months. Magazines start plastering their covers with that “How to Survive the Holiday Eating” bullshit like the pilgrims and Santa Claus are going to hold you at gun point to get at that peach cobbler. Survive? Really? Because the candy that was just as available in July that you ignored now has that red and white barbershop pattern twisting around its ass, now you can’t even? Give me a break Pollyanna. It’s not as if the pies, deserts, and trimmings you see throwing an orgy at every cardboard turkey/reindeer display at your local market has been mysteriously hiding in the clouds and now that shit is falling out of the sky like you’ve never seen it before. The same cookies that are shaped like jingle bells and pumpkins are the same gawd damn cookies that were shaped like sunshine and beach towels. If you passed them up then you can pass that shit up now.
10 WAYS TO ITS NOT THE FU’KN SERIOUS EATING OVER THE HOLIDAYS: number 1-10: Quit acting like the food you see now is different than when you were rocking tank tops. It’s the same shit you’ve been bypassing all year that you could’ve snatched up at anytime, it just has a different outfit on. Have some self control for the love of waistlines and food comas. Have a catastrophically great Monday.